in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
