1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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