Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
