Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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