omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
