we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I will be naked everywhere
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
