Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
