The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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