he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
