It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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