I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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