I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
