If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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