Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
