fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
