The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
