Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
