I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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