At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
