If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
