He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
soo... how was my night?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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