the condom got lost in my hair
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
