Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
