2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
