He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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