Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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