guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
this boner is exhausting
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
