I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
