Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
