Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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