Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
