Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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