I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
