U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
