i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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