dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
