When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
