The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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