Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
