she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
