my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
