I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
