Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
operation harelip BJ is a go
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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