i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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