party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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