I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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