there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
