four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
