Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
