U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
