never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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