i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
