someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
