Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
