just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
