Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I feel great
I just peed on a car
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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