my phone needs a breathalizer
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
